Posted at 1:06 AM 0 comments (+) I'm nineteen and I don't know who I am. And that's probably okay but...
For a long while now, I haven't had the chance to lie down and think. I can't stand how I'm never able to choose the right words. Or say how I really feel, because I never really know. I think it's probably a good time to try to convey all these uncertainties as honestly as possible. I've been trying to deny it and not admit to all of this (because I always want to be right and look like I'm in control), but I don't want what I'm working for right now. But I feel so trapped because I don't know what I want. I don't want to go through school, if it makes me feel like this is all so pointless. I don't know if I want to be a nurse (I said it). I'm willing to work hard and suffer through all this, but sometimes I don't know if....See, that's the thing. Who am I? That's such a dumb question to ask, because going through life for nineteen years and not knowing  if you're one thing or another scares me. Yes, I planned everything and know how my future should look like. I can shut my eyes and go through the motions seamlessly. But everything loses its meaning. Everything is losing its meaning.  I don't want to go to school thinking that it's the only way to help my family because it just can't be. I don't want to be a nurse thinking it's the only way to help people because it just can't be. I hate being pushed down by all these obligations that shouldn't have that much control over my life. I don't know, fuck. My life is totally under control, but it's not under mine. It's unrealistic, and incredibly selfish, for me to want to pack everything and just leave because let's be honest, I probably wouldn't. Someone out there is probably thinking this is just a temporary moment of relapse, but you have no idea (or maybe you do) how hard it is for me to admit all of this. I try to make it sound like I'm so sure all the fucking time, especially about my future. I'm scared--of becoming just a career and not an actual person. So, what I'm trying so hard to say is that I don't want to slip back into this routine I've been caged in for the past couple of months. I don't want to be uncertain about who I am anymore. I really don't want to say that's not me, that's not me, that's not me when deep inside, I really don't fucking have a clue. I don't have an amazing way to end this post or anything really encouraging at the moment; I just have a lot of things to figure out.

Labels: personal